This morning I put my keys into the car and then went to get Brady in his seat, so naturally the car starts beeping, and Brady says "What is that?" and I said, "It's my keys in the ignition".
Anyone who was under the age of 35 or so during the mid-2000s will probably know the significance of this, which is that it will instantly launch you into this song:
And it did. In fact, I got on ITunes and bought the song. Best $1.29 I ever spent. Not counting all the other $1.29s I've spent. This song is an amazing anomaly; it's like this- it's so freaking BAD. And so freaking GREAT. I would argue- stick with me here- that it achieves a level of such awfulness that it morphs into awesomeness. In fact, I think it deserves a level of respect that it isn't currently being granted. And that's why I have composed for you two irrefutable reasons why R.Kelly is the preeminent musical genius of our time.
No One Has Ever Found More Ways to Bring Up His Car. Ever.
Cars mentioned in this song: Lexus coupe, stretch Navigator, Jeep, not to mention his stereo system and 24" rims.
I feel like this version of the song must be the radio edit, and the real cut is like 20 minutes long, and goes something like this. "Hey girl, I like your hair. You know what it reminds me of? My hair. When it's blowin' in the wind in my car".
"Hey, girl. Those are nice jeans. You should hold them up with a belt. That reminds me of my transmission belt. In my car. Did I mention I have a car? Cuz I do."
"Hey, girl. I've got gas. Just like my car."
"Hey, girl. Car. Carcarcarcar. Car-carity-car, ca car-car-car."
But as I was writing this I realized something. He DID write that song. Do you remember this?!?
HOLY CRAP!
This man is freaking OBSESSED with cars! Why the hell is Eminem the spokesperson for Chrysler, it should be R.Kelly!
Oh, right... this.. thing.
Well. That's awkward.
Side note- R, what the hell is in your hand? Nevermind, don't tell me...
It's the Largest Collection of Shockingly Bad Analogies Ever Stuffed into One Song
And that isn't easy, people.
(1) "It's like "Murder She Wrote/Once I get you out them clothes"
What does that even mean?
I'm serious. I sat here and thought about it for quite a while. And while I get what you're getting at (sex), what you said doesn't make any damn sense. In fact, I feel as if you could just have easily stuffed any four syllable phrase in there
For instance:
"PB&J"
"Salmonella"
"Curious George"
Oh, WAIT!
It has to rhyme.
How about these:
"Eating calzones"
"Hot lava flows"
"Matinee show"
Go ahead, put them into that lyric, I'll wait...
"It's like eating calzones, once I get you out them clothes!"
"It's like hot lava flows, once I get you out them clothes!"
Yeah, they're awful. But they're better than "Murder She Wrote" (?!?)
(2) "I'm bout to take my key and stick in the ignition"
You should be proud, R, because this is unquestionably the most crass analogy I have ever heard in my entire life. It makes me throw up in my mouth a LOT.
(2.5) SERIOUSLY, R. VOMIT.
(3) "You must be a football coach, the way you got me playin' the field"
R. That's not even what playin' the field means. Playin' the field means that you're dating several girls at once. And frankly, I'm not sure how you would have time for that, between the party in the lobby and your cars.
In conclusion, not everyone is good at being good. If you're going to be bad, you might as well be effing awful.
I respect you, R.
Toot, toot, my friend.
Beep, beep...
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