Erin Gets Ancienter

Tomorrow is my much older sister Erin's birthday.  I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to be so old, but being so much younger than her, I really have no idea.  

Growing up sharing a room with Erin was very instructive.  Educational, if you will.  Forced education.  You see, Erin has rules.  Rules about things you didn't even know there could be rules about. She wants to tell you about these rules, but knows that polite society dictates that she can only force such rules upon family.  So, basically, I'm taking the brunt of it for you, people.  But today, on the eve of her birthday, I'd like to share with you all of the rules that I have learned from Erin over the years.

Rules about meat:

When I lived in New York, I learned that being designated as a kosher deli is a very difficult task and so, if you manage to obtain such a honorable title, you advertise it.  Really though, kosher delis wouldn't pass Erin's rules.  

1.  Meat is not to be eaten off of a bone.

Ever.  Yes, it comes off of bones.  Everyone knows that.  But you must never, never speak of it.  If you do, Erin is sure as hell not eating whatever you're cooking.

2.  Thou Shalt Not Eat Meat On Top of Meat

I just learned this one today.  If a single hamburger is not going to fill you up, then you need to order two.  Because a double burger- or, as Erin puts it, "meat stacked on meat", is completely barbaric.

3.  Trim it up, Kids...

One time I had Erin over for dinner, and we were eating salad with grilled chicken on top.  I realized somewhere after the cooking process that I had forgotten to trim the chicken.  Not my first choice, but the package clearly stated "Miller's Amish Chicken- Hand-trimmed", so I wasn't too worried about it.  But I made the mistake of mentioning it to Erin.  Woah.  She tried to hold it together, but she was visibly nauseated.

Rules About Underwear

1.  Do NOT buy taupe underwear

Seriously?  Taupe?  What were you THINKING?  TMI, but at one point in time I had a pair of taupe underwear and Erin yelled.  Actually yelled.  "LAURA!  Taupe?!?  You're not even TRYING!"

2. Do NOT buy underwear in a multi-pack

That was the rest of that conversation.  I said, "Well, I didn't pick it OUT!  It came as part of a multi-pack.  She fake-gagged a little and yelled "YOU BOUGHT UNDERWEAR IN A MULTI-PACK?!?"

Rules About Touching

1. Don't.

Seriously.  

Now, I can't really blame her for this one, because I have a personal space issue too.  That said, I'm her sister.  One night I was staying at her house.  Our mom was sleeping on her couch, so that left Erin and I to share the bed.  Damn if she didn't take pillows and MAKE A BARRIER BETWEEN US DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED?!  For reals.  No touchie, people.

Rules About Words

There are several that you're not allowed to use.  I'd give you a heads up on them, but there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason as to what's allowed and what isn't.  One she doesn't like is "totes cray-cray", though.  Which is reasonable.  So I immediately taught Brady to say it.  I can tell you that one word she will seriously hate is "ancienter", though.  Because it's not a word.  That's why I made it the title.

Rules About Bathing

If by bathing you mean showering, you're good.  But if you literally mean bathing, as in taking a bath, watch out.  Erin refers to baths as "soaking in your own filth".  Personally?  I love baths.  And filth.

Rules About Texting

Do it fast, or she'll write you 10 more while you're writing your response, asking you what the hell is taking you so long.  This obviously gives you texting stage fright, which results in the process taking 10x longer.  

Really, though, if you can follow the rules- or ignore them completely, like I do, while enjoying a triple cheeseburger in your taupe underwear- she's like the best sister ever.  Just old.