Facts About Your Fellow Man

In the past month, I've started writing for a content mill. A content mill works like this: someone searches for something on a search engine like Google. For some reason, some search engines turn over their information about all the things that people search for to content mills. That information is sifted through very lightly, then each thing that someone searches for goes directly into the "assignment" queue on the content mill. Someone writes the article that answers that search. The article gets placed on the content mill's site, which is a site like the one that rhymes with "eCow". They do this because, the next time someone searches for something asinine, they want them to end up on their site because that way they get the advertising revenue.

It's just about the crappiest thing you can do with a writing degree, but it pays pretty well for the mindless work it demands, and you can do it whenever, so what the hell. Yesterday I wrote an article titled "How to Make a Mix Tape for your Crush". Also, "How to Learn to be Healthy". My answer? "Talk to your doctor".

The point is, this has given me some unique insight into the types of things that people are searching for on the internet. Ever wondered what your fellow citizens are searching for?
Let me tell you some facts about your fellow man:

(1) There are people in the world who would like everything to be made out of origami.
Not a lie. If I see one more effing request for how to make an origami "___", I may flip. Examples include "How to make an origami shirt", "How to make an origami knife", "How to make an origami King cobra that strikes". That strikes. Really. You want someone to tell you how to make something out of paper that will strike and inject venom into someone. How would that happen, exactly? You shouldn't even be allowed to have the internet, you're going to hurt yourself. Possibly my favorite, though, would be "How to make an origami walk-along glider". Let me re-title that for you "How to make a weight-bearing instrument out of a material that doesn't bear weight". I know our seniors are living on a fixed income here, but I don't think handing grandma a paper walker is really the way to cut costs.
"How to make an origami dragon that moves".
AMERICA. WHAT IS IT ABOUT PAPER THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND? IT. DOESN'T. MOVE INDEPENDENTLY, REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FOLD IT.

(2) People want to wear cardboard clothes
"How to make cardboard pants". "How to make cardboard shoes". "How to make a cardboard suit". Possibly my favorite, though: "How to make a cardboard shredder".

...you know that... shredders...shred..cardboard. Right?

(3) People are idiots
These are- I swear- actual titles of articles up for grabs:
"What to say to a woman when she won't make you a sandwich"
"How to make your face look like a giraffe"
"What is in the center of ripe bananas?"
"How to set up a pony ride with no ponies"
"Alternatives to weight loss" (like...not losing weight?)
"How to solve a rubik's cube from the white side"... so you mean it's already solved then...
"How to stop frogs from croaking at night" (perhaps you don't believe me? Google it. You'll see the article).