Raaahhhh! You're Driving me Insane with Your Crapocity!

Let's talk analogies. Analogies = taking the attributes of one situation/thing and applying/comparing them to another. Like, this- "Flowers, like lottery numbers, aren't particularly special unless carefully chosen and arranged."

Here's the thing though: you can't just choose any damn comparison. Like, watch this: "Flowers, like certain illicit drugs, are best enjoyed via the nose." Wow. I just made flowers really scandalous and, if you use that as your slogan, your florist shop is going under, and probably getting investigated by the FBI.

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST CHOOSE ANY STUPID COMPARISON. If you want people to *like* what you're comparing (as in, have a favorable view of flowers), you have to compare it to something FAVORABLE.

All of this brings me to this really retarded song I heard on the radio, which is E.T. by Katy Perry. Something you may not already know is that I very much dislike Katy Perry. I don't care if she can sing, which she can- her songs are crap. Here comes an analogy: Someone who can sing, but sings crap, is the equivalent of Bob Vila building a house out of cardboard. Who CARES if you have tools and know-how, what you're making is junk!

Anyhow. Here's the analogy in the song- "You're an alien". Like, an alien of love.

If you try hard enough, you can compare love to anything. Watch, I'll compare my alleged love interest to a clown:

You juggle my emotions

But you drop me every time

When you show up in your car

Absurdly full of friends

Am I just a joke to you?

When I wake up,

Your giant shoes are gone

Baby, I don't want

To be a part of your

three ring show

I feel like I'm

walking a tightrope

of emotion

every time we talk

You're my clown, baby

You make me smile

But I don't even know

Who you are behind

All that makeup

Every time I get too close

You shoot water from that flower

I swear to you

If you take off

the makeup

I'll erase that frown

forever

Want to know why that song sucks? Because NO ONE thinks clowns are sexy. You know what else no one thinks is sexy? ALIENS.

The song is called E.T.

Do you remember E.T.?

His head looks like a bike seat. Who wants to be compared to that?

Furthermore, let's do some free association.

Say "alien", and here's what I think about:

• spaceships
• The movie "Alien", which was not a love story.
• Slime
• "V" which, though I have never watched it, is clearly not a love story
• Antennas
• The tv shows my mom used to watch, which featured people whose foreheads looked like clay that someone smushed with their fingers
• Probes
• Independence Day

Honestly, I cannot think of one sexy alien. At least not one who was sexy in his actual alien form, as opposed to his human-tricking blend-in form. Which begs the question- Why would you choose to express how sexy your love interest is by comparing it to something so insanely unsexy? If you're going to continue your legacy of craptastic music, here are some analogies I'd like to see in the future:

Love compared to farming (some great potential for "sow my crops" verses there)

Love compared to colonoscopies

Really, Katy? "I wanna feel your powers/stun me with your lasers"? Your analogy license has been REVOKED until you can act responsibly and stop creating complete crap that I have to listen to.