Color Me Badd, "I Wanna Sex You Up"
Final grade: FAIL
CMB. There are so many absolute nonsensical impossibilities in this song I don't even know where to start. So let's start here:
We can do it 'til we both wake up.
Do you mean to imply that you were asleep? First of all, if either of you is asleep, there is a name for that, and it's a felony. Secondly, I don't know if you're aware of how the human body works, but it is virtually- nay, totally- impossible- anatomically, I mean. Biologically- for you to be doing "it" while you're asleep.
In fact, Color Me Badd, the only way that this lyric makes any sense is if by "it" you mean "sleep". And then, yes- in that case, you can both do "it" until you wake up. That is generally how napping goes, and I'm not sure why you wrote it into a song, but carry on.
"Let me take off all your clothes/disconnect the phone so nobody knows"
Are you FaceTime-ing with someone as this is going on? If not, I'm not entirely sure how anyone would know what was going on. This is 1991, and no one can see you when you talk to them on the phone. For crap's sake, your fan base is using pagers at this point in time, which require them to return the call from payphones, which almost don't even exist anymore.
Even if you're not FaceTiming. Guys. That's not how the phone works. I'm not sure if anyone walked you through this, but you actually have to pick up the phone for anyone on the other end to hear you. So, there's no need to disconnect the phone.
...Have you been disconnecting the phone every time you don't want someone to hear you?
Because if you are, people are trying to call, and they can't get through.
Because you disconnected the phone.
So, again, what I'm telling you is, as long as everyone in the room knows not to pick up the phone, no one will know. Unless this is 1984, in which case, I stand corrected.
"Making love until we drown"
In what situation would you drown in this process? Are you in the hottub? If so, I'm going to suggest two things:
1. Maybe you could stop just short of drowning, no? That seems unnecessary. Kamikaze love making is not a thing. You don't know this yet, but you are going to be a One Hit Wonder, but it shouldn't be because you made love until you drowned.
2. For God's sake, forget what I said before about the phone. You should disconnect the phone before you electrocute yourself, because God knows one of you is going to forget the rule and pick it up.
Ginuwine, "Pony"
Final Grade: Vomit in My Mouth
Ginuwine.
I loathed this song from the moment it came out. Loathed. For two main reasons:
1. Why do you need to misspell your name? We know what you're getting at. Just spell it correctly. You're part of the reason that people named "Amy" end up spelling it "Aymie". Stop it. All you're doing is making the lives of Starbucks baristas hell.
2. It's like you took metaphors and lit them on fire, and ruined them for all of Generation Whatever I'm A Part Of.
"Ride it, my pony"
Of all the things in the world, why would you decide to use the metaphor of a pony? A pony, really? You know what a pony is, right? It's a baby horse. So. To summarize. You've decided to compare yourself to a baby horse? I guess I don't see where you're going with this. A few weeks ago, my son rode a pony at a fair. When I asked him about it, his only comment was, "It peed while I was riding it." I'm just saying.
Did you mean a mustang? Or a colt? A bronco, perhaps? Bronco and mustang both have the same number of syllables as pony, you could substitute either one easily.
You have to mean something other than a pony.
"My saddle is waiting.."
Hey, since you're the one that decided to go all out with this, let's follow the extended metaphor. What, in this situation, is the "saddle". It's nothing. There's nothing that would be a "saddle" in this metaphor. You suck at metaphors.
"Until we reach the stream/you'll be on my jockey team."
1. Again. What is the stream? You single-handedly murdered the metaphor.
2. On your jockey team? It's a team, you say? How flattering.
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