Not-So-Urgent Care

Widely-known fact about me: I am a hypochondriac.

If I get a headache?  I go right past the "allergies" and "pinched nerves" options and straight on to the brain tumor diagnosis.  Once my massage therapist said that I had a knot in my back that she couldn't get to break up and I asked her if she thought it was cancer.  That would be a funnier story if it didn't happen recently.  Like, a few months ago.  My sister when I told her that story:

Her: You did not ask her that.
Me: Yes, I did.
Her: I literally hate you right now for asking her that.

This is why I'm really lucky to have Jen and Sara as friends, both of whom know that the right answer at any time is that I don't have a brain tumor- not "I don't think so" or, "you should go see your doctor", but straight up "No, you absolutely do not have cancer".  This is largely because they are both hypochondriacs, too.

Text message from Jen earlier this week:

"My eye is twitching.  WebMD says that's a sign of Parkinson's."

We all need therapy, but that's beside the point.

Earlier this week, I started feeling randomly dizzy.  So obviously it was cancer.
I have had a level of stress about it all week that it's completely unacceptable for any logical human being, so I went to the urgent care this morning.

In general, the scene in any given urgent care waiting room is what I imagine an apocalypse spurred by a zombie infestation would (will, eventually) be like.  It looks like this:

1. There are people sprawled all over the damn place, coughing up vital organs and spewing into potted plants.  

2. There are no doctors in sight.  Once I read a book called Blindness, where they bring all of these patients in to a "blindness treatment center", but there are no doctors there- because they're ACTUALLY BEING QUARANTINED AND LEFT FOR DEAD!  That's what urgent care is really for, as far as I'm concerned.  If I go, I locate all emergency exits immediately upon entering.  

That's a pretty scary scene, but what's even scarier is when you walk into an Urgent Care and there is... no one else in the waiting room?  Don't give me any BS about efficiency.  You know there are zombie people everywhere, and if no one else is in that room, even the brain-eating zombies are getting a bad vibe.

But whatever, I hate waiting.
Plus, I saw The Hunger Games.

I get in right away, and the nurse is nice enough, but as she's leaving, she says, "Okay.  I'll send Ray in."

Me (internally)... Ray?

Five minutes later, in walks a guy, smelling strongly of his last smoke break.

Him: Hi.  I'm Ray.

There is a time and a place for being laid back.  I think it's fun to tell funny stories to my classes.  But I teach English.  The most harm I'm going to do is misinterpret Hamlet.

Ray, are you a doctor?  

Ladies and gentleman, I have no idea if I saw an actual doctor today.

After he looked in my ears with the ear thing, he then shined the light from the very same instrument into my mouth.  

But the clincher moment- the moment when Ray the "doctor" fell out of favor with me?

Me: It's not a tumor, right?
Ray: I don't know- I can't see in there.

BOOOO, RAY!  YOU FAILLLLL!

He deigned to prescribe me an antibiotic, but- I swear to God- said this:

"So.  Which antibiotic do you like?"

I'm a WebMD regular, but- like Ray- I don't exactly have a medical license.

Me: Uh... a Zpack?
Ray: Yeah, those typically work pretty well.

Truth: If I get a bill for prescribing myself a Z-pack?  I'm going to flip the freak out.