Sidenote: Looking for that picture was the first time I've ever seen a morel. I know that people are really into morels, but what I'm telling you is that if I saw that in the woods, you wouldn't find me eating it. It looks like a brain growing out of the ground.
Something you will be shocked to find out is that nearly everyone you know who has coupled up with someone during the past ten years or so met that person on a dating website. People you know, who are perfectly happy, and whom you believe to have met in some perfectly normal way- for instance, while traveling together on the Titanic or working together on a high school musical, actually perused each others profiles and- more likely than not- "winked" at one another. Side note? That word makes me shudder. In their defense, you probably haven't asked. But they are also purposely not telling you.
So, long story short, everyone meets on the internet now.
Sadly, a mere 10 days into a one month subscription to a service that cost me a week's worth of lattes (standard unit of measurement), I can tell you with emphasis and definitiveness:
This is not going to work for me.
There's a list of reasons. And I'm happy to give them to you.
Grammar
Dating sites are a dangerous place for those who care about grammar.
Let me qualify that.
Once, some attendees of the WMU Medieval Conference came into the restaurant I worked at during college and, in the time between me giving them the (paper) menus and returning to their table to take their order, they had collectively gone through the entire thing and circled all of the grammar and punctuation errors.
That?
Is douchey.
I wouldn't do that to anyone.
But there's a big difference between misplacing an apostrophe or two, or throwing out the wrong "your", and...
"Standards and Morels" was the "tag line" of the very first email I received after joining a dating site; more specifically, "I have standards and morels!"
Ladies, if you're big into mushrooms, there's a guy just waiting for you.
Unfortunately, I'm big into spelling.
I can't HELP it. It's a flipping tic. That's what I got for thousands of dollars worth of student loans- a meager income and an inability to withstand bad grammar. Also known as The American Dream.
Right now, I hear the voice of my dearest Jen in my head, and the voice is saying "Laura Catherine. Unacceptable". Which is what she also said about the fact that I failed to return the email of a 26 year old guy because, as I told Jen, I only go for 26 year olds if they also happen to be swordfighters. Her response:
I do. I love her.
But there are other reasons this will never work. Such as.
I Can't Get Past These Dumb Ass Names
There's no getting around it; most sites want you to make up some sort of name for yourself. So, so demeaning. As if being on the site isn't depressing me enough, now I feel like a circus performer.
And heeeeeeere's LAURA! Tagline: Shoot me- what am I doing on here?
My strategy is to completely avoid this travesty of a request by entering something that has to do with my initials and possibly a random number.
LW227!
Which was a great show, no?
Others don't go this route.
I'm talking to you, MrRight4U, and FunTimez37. Tonight I saw LadiesFave22.
I am especially repulsed by anyone who includes the word "lover" in their name.
First of all, the word "lover" reminds me of this:
Second- that's a bit presumptuous, wouldn't you say? Nothing about the pictures of your sweaty-shirt self riding on the back of a half-dead horse in the Grand Canyon makes me want to answer your email, much less be your lover. Lovah.
My third and final complaint about that: I think you're setting yourself up for failure.
Once, in seventh grade, when I was a Golden Cardette, we had a planning meeting where we were supposed to come up with our group name. On the off, off chance that you haven't heard of the Golden Cardettes, we were a world-famous dance group that graced the football field of Davison Middle School during 8th grade football games and did a very slow routine to the song from "Batman Forever". Anyways, the name we came up with was Cardinal Kickers.
But, Miss Lovely cautioned us against it. She said something to the effect of "If you call yourself the Cardinal Kickers, everyone is going to expect you to have the best kickline on the planet".
Our kicks were okay...
Nah, I'm kidding- they were awful.
I am sharing this piece of info with you, URLuvah
You sure you can live up to that name? Think about it.
I Hate When People Claim to Be Romantic
I truly, truly hate it when people on dating sites claim to be romantic.
Vomit.
in my
Mouth.
People. There are STAGES to relationships. First, you meet. Then, you like each other. Then you start to think that you might like to date that person. Then and only then does romance become romantic. Preemptive romance-which is romance out of the blue- prior to any meeting or attraction- has another name. Creepiness.
If I received some sort of love note and/or flowers from someone that I had little to no knowledge of, I would not be flattered. I would get a PPO. Because we live in the age of Twitter stalking.
The whole reason that something is ROMANTIC is because it's from the heart, as in, stemming from a relationship and/or knowledge of the other person.
You CANNOT be romantic without knowing someone.
1. Any time I read crap like that, here's what I INSTANTLY think about- this song from sixth grade:
That song. Is repulsive. I cannot BELIEVE that my mom let me have that single in sixth grade. I cannot believe that I WANTED that single in sixth grade. The point is, it just feels super-uber-crazy cheap.
2. This is really a whole other blog unto itself, but I would love to take this opportunity to tell you exactly how I feel about watching the sunset.
No.
Yes, sunsets are beautiful.
I also believe they are the cheapest act of romance on the planet.
Because they are what everyone SAYS is romantic, and you're just supposed to go along with it and pretend that it is your dream come true, watching the sky turn colors because the atmosphere is filled with pollution. But it is NOT my dream. And when I try to pretend that it is, it makes me feel SUPER icky and fake, and makes me want to cry, frankly.
You know what I would find WAY more romantic? If we were at a restaurant and someone said "What does she want to drink?" and my significant other said "She likes (insert drink)".
That is approximately 1000 times more romantic than a sunset.
Actually KNOWING someone is romantic, not a stupid sunset.
This was a big point of contention with a person I was once in a relationship with, who really, REALLY wanted me to love the sunset. And I tried. But I just could not muster up enough enthusiasm for the sunset to put this person at ease. Alas, I am sorry.
I Hate the Pictures People Put Up
Specifically? Things that are not their face.
Unless they are David- not a David, the David- and want to show me the many likenesses of themselves that have been chiseled out of stone from the beginnings of civilization, I really can't understand why someone would post a picture of anything but their face.
Not your dog.
Not your house.
Not your tattoos.
Not your car.
I do not UNDERSTAND this, people. Tonight I saw a picture where a man's face was superimposed against the backdrop of a skyline, with fake blue stars along the top.
What.
Are.
You.
Doing.
I Do Not Believe Your Claims That You Like to Camp
Never in my life have I seen more people claim to love camping than I have on dating websites. In fact, with this newfound knowledge of how much single people love to camp, it's amazing that we even NEED dating websites; you would think that the campgrounds would be jamb-packed with singles from Memorial Day through Labor Day, and that all you would need to do to meet someone would be to set up your tent and then roam from site to site.
This is confusing to me because, every time I've gone camping, I've mostly seen families and retired people.
One time Sara and I went camping, and the only other person there was a man who was maybe slightly delayed, but also very nice, and ran after our tents when they blew away in a storm.
Perhaps I'm going to the wrong campgrounds?
I will check the State of Michigan website for Super Singles Campgrounds
Pics of You With Your Kid Are Upsetting to Me
Sorry to everyone I'm about to offend, but I don't feel that your child's picture belongs on a dating website. I barely want to put my own picture up. And to you, guy who decided to upload a picture of his son and then blur his face out. You really need to get into the process of weighing pros and cons.
Rule of the Universe #234: Faceless children are horrifying
Just horrifying.
You must realize that your faceless child was far scarier than whatever cute "I'm a good dad" thing you were doing with him in the picture.
Pictures Taken Exclusively in Mirrors with Your Camera Phone Make Me Want to Cry
I think that if I really spent some time trying to figure
out why this upsets me so much, I probably could. It has something to do with it feeling like
an intensely private picture, because you are in your bathroom. I start to construct your life (falsely, I’m
sure) from this picture, and it looks like this:
- You have no one in your life willing to take a picture of you
- It is daylight; you are unemployed and home alone. Montel is on your tv in the living room and you are in the bathroom taking pictures of yourself with your camera
- There is a baby crying somewhere
I KNOW that it’s unreasonable, but it sends me into a panic
to see you taking these pictures. I have
seen Kiss the Girls; had internet dating been available at that time, that guy
would have used it, and all of his pictures would have been taken in a bathroom
mirror, with the little dot of a flash up in the corner. When I see these pictures I think TRAPPED!!!
Are You Sensing A Theme Here? Is That Theme PANIC?!
Never in my life have I wanted to run farther and faster
from anything than I do online dating.
Or maybe that should just say "dating".
Either way, that seems like a good place to start from when getting involved with someone, no?
Footnote: HO-ly crap. Writing that gave me a panic attack and I had to go out and get a latte...All of the above are true, but let's be honest and get down to the real reasons that I despise, detest, abhor this whole process...
Here's the Long and the Short of It
Laid out on paper, everyone looks shitty.
This includes my own profile which, let me honest with you, is nothing to write home about.
Because the grade isn't weighted.
I have dated people who were so damn funny that that funniness outweighed and overshadowed everything that was not fabulous about that person.
Until it didn't.
But the point is, you cannot just lay everything out in a profile and expect it to make sense.
Example: I- for reasons completely inexplicable to me- keep getting matched up with MMA fighters. Seriously. Me. And an MMA fighter.
Here's the thing though. Maybe that person is an absolutely fabulous book-loving, movie-going, funny conversationalist... who just so happens to do MMA for a weekend or two a month.
Had I met that person in.. person... I would have liked them first, then found out that they were an MMA fighter. And I would have thought to myself. Huh. I like this person. And they do MMA. Weird.
So why don't I just go out with them?
I just can't.
Please see previous heading entitled "PANIC!"
Here's my theory, though. Remember in elementary, when you had to choose partners, but there would always be just two people left, and then those two people would end up working together? That's what's going to happen to me. Except, the person who is left will not be an unattractive weirdie- they will be someone who also fails to fathom the world of internet dating. Which will make us perfect for each other.
And probably he'll be a swordfighter.
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