American Apparel Alien Outreach

This ad confirms what I have always believed about American Apparel:

"Do you think they're on to us, Captain Neebo?"
"Of course not, R2K2, these massive sunglasses are large enough to cover my third eye.."

Which is that it's run by aliens.
Aliens trying to pass themselves off as humans.
This is either an alien invasion, or the set of a Wes Anderson movie.  And frankly, I hope it's an alien invasion, because the last thing we need is another damn Wes Anderson movie.

Honestly, does this not look like a postcard that tourist aliens would send home?

First, let me congratulate you on being the very first alien infiltration business in the US; you've been crazy successful.  If you can keep a low profile, steer clear of Will Smith, I'd say you have it made.  That said, I'd like to make some suggestions- based on my experience being a human- that might help you improve the.. functionality..of your clothing.

1.  Those pants are too damn tight, guys
Potential problems:
1.  If you sit down in those bad boys, they're going to split directly below your ass, which is a real thing that I SAW happen to someone at pom pon practice once.
Or, if they're stretchy, and you do manage to sit down, the rise is high enough that they're going to squeeze every last breath out of you until you pass out.  I don't know, maybe aliens are like horses and sleep standing up, so that's not an issue for you.  Humans are a sitting species.
2.  Even if that's the case, if you insist on keeping them that tight, you're going to need to replace the fabric in the crotch with a mesh panel.  I don't know a lot about alien anatomy, but human women can't wear pants that tight.  You don't want to create a balmy atmosphere in the pants.  It's to do with infection, my friends.  It won't be pretty, and you don't want to be responsible for that.

2.  You should move your arms.
Humans do that a lot.

3. Humans Sweat
And I'm telling you that never in a million years would I be buying a silk shirt like that.  It would be like a little mini wearable sauna.

4. This is Called "The 80s"

I think you got confused on this one.  This look is heavily influenced by an American decade called the 1980s.  I know that, if you were researching, it would be difficult to tell if Americans love or hate the 80s; it's my opinion that we're all so shocked that it even happened that we try to revisit it on a regular basis to make sense of it.  Also, everyone seems to have been coked up during that period, so it's possible they're experiencing it for the first time.  Either way, it's not okay.
You know how, in The Hunger Games, the Capital forces everyone to participate in the Hunger Games in remembrance of a shameful time in the past?  We do that too, only we call it things like 80s Night at the bar.  The point is, please don't sell this stuff in regular stores, it makes my eyes burn.

5.  You're Going to Have to Start Putting Things on These Shirts

This blows my mind.  You should be invited to talk at a Ted conference, re: how to get people to pay crap-tons of money for something they could get at the dollar store.  It can't last though, guys.  They're just...shirts.  Fruit of the Loom must be pissed as hell at you guys.

6.  On This Section of Earth, We Try Not to Pornographise Our Ads...

This makes me uncomfortable, like I just walked in on you in a dressing room.  A family and/or handicapped accessible dressing room, because there's not enough room to do this in a regular one.
Furthermore, what is the item for sale in this ad?  The tights?  Beer?  Dirty sheets?

6.5 I Have to Buy A Size Up in All Your Shirts, And That Makes Me Feel Bad About Myself
But that may be part of your "demoralize the humans" plan.  I won't touch your marketing strategy, reason: see "selling t-shirts for obscene amounts of money".

7.  Now, granted.  
I am not fashionable by any stretch of the imagination.  If you asked Sara about it, she would tell you a story about college, when I painted my bedroom in our apartment, and got some paint on the athletic pants I was wearing, which were my FAV, and how I continued to wear the pants everywhere, even when they started to get holes, and how she lay in bed at night dreaming of burning those pants.
Which is why I had to wear them all the time.  Otherwise she would have burned them.
So, I'm not fashionable, but I am human, and I don't want to buy ANY of this stuff, and since I'm the only human contact you have, please take my advice.

Or, at the very least, teach your minions how to move their arms like a real, live human.



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