A Short List of People I've Begun to Hate Since Having a Child

1.  The Ice Cream Truck:  

When I hear the ice cream truck coming, this is exactly how I feel:

Now mute it and add this dialogue:

"Did he hear it?  Oh man, did he HEAR it?  Should I turn on the TV like, crazy loud?"

My favorite is when he doubles back around and go down the street TWICE, so that I get to say no TWICE, and endure TWICE as many tantrums.  No, I have no idea who slit the tires on your van, buddy.

2.  Stonyfield Farms:  

I realize you make organic yogurt for toddlers, but you clearly don't actually have toddlers, or you would know that you need to put a picture of strawberries on top of ALL FOUR containers in the four pack.  Otherwise, toddlers believe that only the one with the picture of strawberries actually contains strawberries, which means I get to have that discussion each and every morning, which really cuts into the time I could have been using to bust out the concealer and hide the bags beneath my eyes.

3.  Anyone Who Makes a Children's Book With a Picture of a House With Smoke Coming Out the Top

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to explain to a toddler that there is a fire IN the house, but that the house itself is not on fire?  Your thin black squiggle adds an additional 5 minutes to every damn book it's in.  And seriously, how many houses even HAVE actual wood-burning fire places anymore?

4.  Whoever Designed My Car and Neglected to Include Child-Proof Locks

Awesome oversight.  And don't tell me "Oh, just lock the doors!"  That took my then-two year old approximately 10 seconds to figure out. And, if he had your job, I'm pretty sure it would have taken him the same amount of time to figure out that my car needs to have child-proof locks.

5.  Dora

Thank you for teaching my child Spanish so that, when he gets out of bed for the 10,000th time and I finally have to make good on my threat to baby gate him into his room, he can yell "Abrir! Abrir!", and make me feel like a terrible parent in two languages.