How Movies Have Failed Me

Somewhere around 5:30 this evening, Brady decided we should take a walk to the park.  I said, "Okay, go use the bathroom and then we'll go."

He left, and I laid on my bed for a while.  And then a little longer.  

If you have a 3 year old, you know that any period of silence longer than, say, 1 minute?  You're in some serious flipping trouble.

So I go looking for him.

The bathroom door is closed.  I grab the handle and try to turn it.  And it's locked.

"Brady," I say, "why is the door locked."

At this point I'm expecting to hear him in the bathroom splashing in the damn sink, which drives me flipping insane.  

WATER. EVERYWHERE.

But I don't.  I hear something much worse, which is Brady saying, "because".

Except?  He's saying it from BEHIND me.

Me: "BRADY!  You locked us out of the bathroom!"

Brady: "Are we still going to the park?"

You have to admire that sort of single-minded focus.

I want you to put yourself in my position for a moment; faced with this dilemma, what are the top three things that you would try?  I know we've all seen a LOT of the same movies, and therefore I'm willing to bet that at least two of our top three things match up.

But here's the big ugly secret people:

THAT CRAP DOESN'T WORK

Please allow me to undermine all the knowledge about unlocking locked doors that you have accumulated from movies over the years.

Option 1: Take the door knob off.

False.  

Taking the door knob off will result in a locked door with no handle.  Nothing else.

Except that you will, if you're a moron like I am, not be able to get the handle screwed back on when you discover this and, in the process of discovering this, will accidentally knock the door handle on the other side of the door off and onto the floor.

This will be helpful because you will now have a clear view of the toilet that your are starting to need to use.  

Oh, look at me!  I'm Dr. Oz!  Drink 8 glasses of water a day!

I hate you, and I don't believe you're a real doctor.

Option 1.5: When That Fails, Ask Your Neighbor

I try not to do this too often.  I think living next to me is probably a lot like participating in Big Brothers/Big Sisters, except you can never drop me off and drive away.  I harbor the lingering fear that one day I will come home and the house next door will be empty, with a for sale sign out front.  Or maybe not with a for sale sign.  They may just cut their losses and drive away, like Jack Nicholson and his family in a much happier version of The Shining.

Option 2:  Kick it.  Jean Claude Van Damme Style

I KNOW that this was on your top three list.  

I tried this a lot.

Doesn't work.  

And don't tell me I'm a wuss, cause I'm not.

If I may interject here, does this NOT work in movies?  Yes, it does.

Lies.  A life based on lies.

At this point I actually thought to myself "I wish I had a gun so I could shoot the door handle off", which you know works, because you have seen it with your very own eyes in movies. 

Option 2.5: Call Ryan

If you don't know Ryan, you can still get my point.  Think Wilson from Home Improvement, or Ted Dansen in Cheers.  Ryan usually has some sage advice.  In this situation he will tell you to...

Try Option Number 3 on Your List: Use a Credit Card

Except the molding is set up so that it covers the area where the lock goes into the wall.  What else ya got, Ryan?

4. "Lola. Considering your child is currently locked in a bathroom..."

Ryan spent the majority of our conversation thinking that Brady was actually locked IN the bathroom while I was chatting non-chalantly with him.

We'll explore Ryan's view of my parenting at another time...

Option 5: Kick it More

Damn, I really, REALLY wanted that to work.  Who doesn't want to say "The bathroom door was locked but, no worries, I kicked that sucker open like the BA that I am."

Option 6:  Bang on it With a Hammer

What is "it"?  For crap's sake, I don't know.  It.  The metal thing where the handle used to be.  Are you paying attention??

Here's Brady's reaction to all of this:

What worked in the end isn't important.  Suffice it to say that it involved some blunt badonkadonk force.  And then we took Snowman for a walk in the wagon.  Because this is my life.  

But here's what I'm telling you, people.  Question EVERYTHING.