What I've Learned from 80s Movies So Far

So far, I have watched three of my 10 80s movies: Pretty in Pink, Cocktail and Heathers. Here's what I've learned so far:

• It's almost impossible to tell who is popular or unpopular in films from the 80s. This is weird, because you can tell who is popular in current films (ie, I watched this crap-tastic movie called "You Again" the other night, and it was quite clear that "Marnie" was unpopular, because she wore very large glasses and had pimples), and 50s movies (Marty McFly's dad is also obviously a geek in Back to the Future). The thing about 80s movies is, everyone's hair and clothing is so freakin' awful, I have no idea who is supposed to be geeky. This seriously impedes on my viewing experience, and definitely takes away from the redemptive moment when "geek girl" turns into "beautiful girl". Because I never quite see it... For instance, at the beginning of Pretty in Pink, Andy is getting dressed for school. At this point, I am supposed to form an opinion as to what sort of person Andy is. However, I'm looking at her outfit and I'm like... is that... cool? Or are you about to get your ass kicked? It turned out it wasn't cool. And then she gets to school, and the other girls make fun of her, but I'm thinkin'....girls? You all look like you're in Bon Jovi. And that's not a compliment. Cause you're girls. Later, Andy makes her OWN prom dress from two old prom dresses, and when she gets done, I'M ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT AND SHE COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND..... I have no idea if it's ugly or not. I mean, it's ugly. But is it 80s ugly, or just ugly? This makes for a very suspenseful viewing experience, but it can be pretty confusing. I bet this was just as stressful for people actually living in the 80s (who weren't in elementary school). That's probably why everyone did so much coke.
  

• They didn't make clothing that fit anyone in the 1980s. And there was a surplus of white material, perfect for making leisure suit jackets. Were all the seamstresses exiled in the 1980s? Because everyone in these movies seems to have bought things two sizes too big, causing them to roll up the sleeves on nearly everything they wear. Basically, everyone looks like they're dressed up in their parents clothing, and it makes it pretty difficult to take anything they're saying seriously. EXCEPT... for men's shorts. They used up all the material on leisure suit jackets, and there wasn't enough left over for shorts, so all the men have to wear shorts that are too small. Embarrasingly small. Awkwardly small. Also, what the hell is with all of this white material? Crazy good deal or something?
• All 80s movies could have been musicals, or dramicals, at least. This is due in large part to the excess of scenes where characters grab chain link fences and look out over empty fields or abandoned factories and think "I gotta get outta here. This might be my last chance..." Next time I have a party, we're going to play a game where we put on an 80s movie and close our eyes, then push pause, and I can pretty much guarantee you that wherever we stop, we could insert "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister, and it would integrate flawlessly, almost as if John Hughes had placed it there himself.
• If the economy had failed in the 80s, and we had to switch to a new form of currency, the currency would have been hair. And we all would have been rich.