Some Thoughts I Have About Vampires

Goal we're talking about: Saving the world from itself (not listed, but implied)

Listen. It has GOT to be said. Vampires: What. The. Ef.
I spend a large portion of my life walking around feeling like I'm in an SNL skit, unknowingly. For instance, when I hear that song with the lyric "I was commander-in-chief of my pimp ship, flying high." Which is hilarious. Except he's not trying to be funny? This is the exact way I feel about damn vampires. Some major vampire-related thoughts I need to get off my chest:

(1) Let's say you're looking to get into a relationship. You have a list of "must haves", no? Yes. And you also have a list of deal breakers, like he can't be a felon, and he can't chew with his mouth open, or be racist, or- I don't know- he can't be undead.
I don't think these are unreasonable expectations. But I appear to be in the minority in this feeling. Because everyone out there is like, batcrap crazy in love with vampires?
Yeah, I get it, it's a daydream. But it's not even a good daydream. The feasibility rate is 0%, and the whole situation just sounds annoying to me.
This is my thing: I have no clue how the first Twilight novel got past page 100 or so. Because, at that point, I think the story is pretty much over. You have a crush on a guy. He sparkles and seems to have some sort of iron deficiency, and then you find out he's a vampire.
Deal. Breaker.
How are you still feeling the least bit attracted to that person at that point? My question is, if being undead- sucking people's blood- is not the end of it for you, I gotta know- where exactly are you drawing the line?

See this guy? He's kind of cute, right?
Yeah, he's the Craigslist Killer.
No, that's a deal breaker?
Murderers: Unacceptable. Blood-sucking undead: Sexy.
Now?:
Okay, I'm being bitchy.

Maybe I'm officially old, because all I can think about when I see "Bella Swan" (SNL?) in love with Edward is, Oh, girl, what an exhausting pain in the ass that's going to be.
I get it, you're 16. But, a decade down the road, there are going to be days when you just want to come home and watch reruns of the Cosby Show, but you're going to be chased by revenge-seeking vampires for the rest of your life, or you're going to go out and need to suck some animal blood. And do you really want to live forever? I want to live for a long time, but not forever. What would you even do forever?

Further advice, Bella. You don't want someone that sullen. For realsies. That's gonna get old real quick. See, I feel you, because I used to have this massive crush on Adam Duritz from Counting Crows, due largely in part to his immense sadness. I still love him, but from afar. Imagine this scenario:
Me: Adam, want to go to the grocery store with me?
Adam: Sigh. (Insert deep, introspective thought about grocery stores and the meaning of life)
And then I'd punch him in the face.
And, be real- sometimes you have to go to the grocery store. You are sixteen, and you need to find someone who will go to the grocery store with you later in life. And it's okay to date jerk faces until you're old enough, but dude is a vampire- if he bites you, as you asked numerous times, you are in it for life. Think 16 & Pregnant except, instead of 18 years, it's infinity.
Furthermore, I have some serious concerns about your co-dependency issues, especially at the age of 16.

(2) This all came about because I was perusing the Kalamazoo Meetup groups (NOT a dating website- it's a bunch of groups that you can join, like knitting or running), and there's a meetup group for vampires. The description says "This is a meetup group for those who identify as vampires".

You are going to have to explain to me how exactly you can "identify" as a vampire. Vampires do the following things:

• Sparkle
• Suck blood
• Live forever
  

Perhaps you can compensate with some artificial sparkle in tube form. But you can't live forever, and I hope to God that you're not sucking blood. So what exactly is identifying as a vampire? You mean you like vampires? Because that's totally different. By your logic, I can identify as a panda. I like panda bears. In a pinch, I could probably eat some bamboo.

You. Are. Not. A. Vampire.
Furthermore, if you really thought it through, I don't think you would actually want to be a vampire.
The reason I am so very upset is because you have spawned about 1,000 spin-off vampire shows, and I keep seeing little girls wearing shirts that say things like "Little Vamp", which is disturbing on so very many levels.
Stop the madness.